My berries,

Im 4 weeks into Uni and it has felt like much longer. Its been a lot of pre-reading, getting to know the 7 other people in my class, meet my two lectures, try to work my way around LMS and not drown under the upcoming first 3 assessments. Ive been juggling the mental shift of being accepted into student housing! Beginning the preparation to move in on April 18th, into a two bedroom studio with another girl who is already living there.

I guess the most wonderful, beautiful and unique think about becoming a primary teacher, and especially starting to learn how to teach pp-yr2 is that on my second lecture when we began to learn how to teach literacy, we had a book read to us. My lecturer read it in the most magical way so much that it transported me into feeling like a little kid, like I saw the colours of the book with eyes of wonder and excitement. That class took uni past books and notes and showed me why I was called there and helped me see the artfulness of teaching.

I rewatched dark crystal for the first time since I was around 7 and those same feelings of wonder filled me, seeing things with the eyes of a child because the last time I watched it I was so young, remembering how sensorily I watched the Skeksis eat there food, how I saw there clothes, how I saw Jen and Keira playing music on there canoe on the river, how the world of it felt so real, scary and beautiful to me. Watching it reminded me how vividly I can experience things, almost like lucid dreams.

Last night I had one that hasnt left my mind all day.

I had a dream that I was having a baby, I was in a big room with my love, but then he left and as he left he passed me an iPad or phone with a song playing, It was a drumming instrumental song, with vines surrounding the title. When he left I knew I was going to have the baby and I could feel so much in my dream. I had the baby by myself and then put baby on my chest and kissed them all over.

Throughout this, the song was playing and as baby was born it stopped and my love and a midwife came back in. The midwife was worried because she said that my water broke twice.Now when I heard and thought about this I thought that water breaking twice was completely impossible. This was before today the same day I had my dream, a video came up on my phone of someone giving birth to twins and in this video it was a segment of one born every minute or something, her water broke twice cause she was having twins.

I know that I never knew that this could happen and I dont think my subconscious did either, Im not exactly saying its a premonition, but when I have dreams about children or my future they follow this kind of pattern and structure where they are incredibly vivid, sensory and you get completely lost in them like a vision.

I wonder why I was showed this kind of dream, on this day and for which reason, it brings up that pull to create something from within yourself.

Ive been reflecting a lot recently, on so many of the things that I do and feel. I started journaling again, an urge I get a lot but never act on. Ive felt the urge for lots of other things as well that I usually never let myself act on either. Ive been making art more, Ive been writing music, deep organising, thinking and especially deeply feeling. I came across this piece of writing, in the way of so much coming forth in the world, about why so many people try to reduce themselves to be less, and why we try to act and look as close to prepubescent as possible and asking ourselves who we do this for.

Ive been thinking about the things that ive put myself through, that have hurt me so deeply and impact fully that they will always be with me in the name of this, and why growing up, aging becoming mature physically, to be hungry for something and to have desires has been something that I have tried to sweep under the rug or shamefulness.

Ive been noticing every time I said and felt sorry for looking a certain way, showing some kind of skin, moving a way, being overly emotive, all of the things, absurd things I apologise for, when at the root of what I am apologising for is existing in my body.

Sorry I didnt clean up, sorry I didnt wash my hair, sorry I didnt shave, sorry I didnt contort and restrain my chest, sorry I didnt wash the dirt off my legs, sorry I cried when you raised your voice, sorry I spoke, sorry I didnt shield you from my skin, sorry I bled, sorry I didnt anticipate you well enough, sorry that my love for you looks too strong, Ill dull it for you and write it down with less words and make it less confrontational.

When I should be sorry to myself, for not letting me feel strongly, passionately or unapologetically. At the time when Im coming to see these statements as betrayals to myself, to my own form, Ive found myself saying them the most, as well as being critiqued the most by others for so so so much that have felt like brutal pushes to try to stop me from finding my clarity.

When Im feelings things the deepest, sensing the internal turbulent push and pull, feeling my guilt, my grief for the earth, for sentient beings, and the distance Ive created by betraying and hurting myself, to the point that I cant tell how deep the rift is, Im being called"feral"and told not to cry.

Ive been feeling the distance, when things are quiet around me, when Im outside and the thoughts in my mind are louder then the wind and when the sun feels like shes taking to long in herself. I know who I am, but Ive lost so much because of all the shame Ive felt about being alive for so many years that I dont even recognise the pain of it anymore. Ive lost so much of the spiritual connection I once had to the things around me because of my missing connection with myself.

At uni, we are learning about different Reflective models for teachers, where ever single thing you do, every lesson that works well or badly, every activity or way you handled a situation is meant to be reflected on afterwards so that you can be the best most conscious teacher. Its reminding me of how I havent made time for myself to reflect positively, critically and lovingly on myself in so long that isnt just anxious thoughts while I try to sleep. Its whats stopping me from changing my bio from a 18 year old girls musings - to a womans thoughts, when do you feel comfortable in your womanhood?

I need to begin asking myself if my words are reflections of my truth, if my emotions are pure, asking why I strip my body of things that come naturally to it, or why I keep my mouth shut, my feet covered or keep cut my hairs split ends, blood hidden, why I dont know how to get angry and express it, why I dont let my body feel the coolness of the earth anymore or run through the wind for joy, wash my hair in the river, why I choose to eat something that simply fills me rather then drink the juice of a pear sliding down my fingers.

Its this self deprivation, that I learnt when I was thirteen maybe twelve, that never left me, and has poisoned every part of my wanting and my understanding of myself, desires and truths.

I can feel it when I let myself think about it, the clawing from within the middle of my chest, that has felt like its had a weight on it for years, a real physical feeling that I try to explain, that I swallow down and can only get rid of when I feel free, but feels harder when Im scared and filled with worry when I pile pressure on my chest.

Ive felt it for so long, this weight that takes my breath away, and cant put myself and my soul through it anymore, it doesnt deserve to be shielded.

As im writing this im feeling the impulse to write im sorry for heavier thoughts today, but I wont give in to say it, because it would be reducing myself.

I hope you can show your truths better then me and that you let your skin show and fill your tummies with sweetness and sun.

My deepest thoughts and hopes for you,

Nettle