Words I say too often, and maybe not enough

Today, my friend N asked if we ever accidentally hang up the phone by saying "I love you" to people when we don’t mean to.

Everyone went around sharing

• Z said she doesn’t say “I love you” to anyone—not even her parents.
• C said she isn’t someone who’s big on saying it.
• And E said she says it to her girlfriends and mum.

It was crazy to realise how rare those words are for some people.

I know my boyfriend doesn’t have a family that says “I love you” or hugs much either (though he does with me). At first I thought he was sad because of it but that’s just their family dynamic. They show love in different like acts and quality time.

But for me it feels like my biggest love laungage is physcial touch and saying “I love you” to everyone. Hugs are like my handshake when I meet someone if they’re okay with it. I’ve nearly said “I love you” to a teacher before. I say it to friends, family, cousins, but I always mean to, becasue I always feel it.

They said they don’t feel the need to say it, and I get that actions speak too. But I don’t think I could rely on just that maybe thats a fualt within myself. I need to say it. It doesn’t make the words loose or shallow I dont link. It’s still as deep and true.

So I took it as a reminder to say “I love you” more. Not just in goodbyes or goodnights but also in the middle of conversations, like a little chant, so that they know I dont do it out of routine but out of true love. But also as a reminder that not everyone feels the need to say it, so if they dont say it to me its okay becasue they show it in other ways.

I’ve been listening to Erutan lately shes been filling my head while finishing the last days of school which has felt like the longest week ever, as well as alot of type O negative espcially September Sun.

It doesn’t feel real that I’m graduating so soon. I hate being cliché, but it’s true. The nostalgia is beginning to hit me like a bus, like I keep remembering all of these thing form when I first started high-school, from primary school, from when I was first meeting my freinds its so weird knowing that I’ve been in school for over 14 years and now there’s only around 100 days left. I feel permenantly dizzy from it all.

Sometimes I get so scared. I want to be a teacher but then I realise that I’ve literaly been in school forever almost technically my whole life. Then I'll go to uni which is still school. Then teaching which is in school again. It makes me wonder if I’m just afraid to do anything else or like I'm this stuck person who is scared of change and daring to do something else.

But I know I love it. I love learning. I love little kids. I love teaching things, like in my craft group that I started at school, I teach kids how to crochet and I have all of these differnt colouring ins and we display them when people finsih them, its proablbly the passion project im the most proud of and like when you see someone figure out how to crochet bythemselves without my help or explaining it anymore, they literally look so proud of themselves, they dont even need the external motivation. I know that I'll love teaching cause I literally started my own group at school where I get to teach kids, guys im not tooting my own horn I promise I just dont have the energy to explain and be self depricating anymore. So I know that Ive always wanted to work in a school, or work with plants and I just pray and wish so hard I can combine them one day.

I had a psych test yesterday and a modern history test today and my brain feels so completely fried. That feeling when everyone’s talking about the answers after the test and you start counting how many marks you lost in your head, yeah. That seems to be all ATAR feels like anymore, that everpresent feeling of loss.

Sorry this is a little sad, I just feel completely burntout.

This weekend the holidays begin. I’m hoping to finish my crochet project for Activate and so far Ive finshed 3/8 of the mandalas and so far 0 letters so its starting to creep up on me.

Then Mum and I are going into the city to look for prom dresses, when is the prom, no one knows, is my school having one, I have no idea, are we going to a neibouring schools yeah maybe but I cant even begin to worry about it at this point. I’ve got a few saved on Depop and eBay if I dont find anything though. I’m hoping for something fairy-like and 2010s, some tulle and literally either purple or pink, either light or dark. But I’ll take anything that fills the void.

I’m also seeing my cousins on Dad’s side—I haven’t seen them in six months so I'm so exited. Hopefully I’ll see my little sister(8) and my kinda-stepbrother in the city as well cause they recently moved their (he’s 4 months old, and technically were not related so I'm confused about how our relationship works but its fine) Im so exited for some bubby cuddles last time he fell asleep on me and slept for hours cause if I put him down he began to wake up.

Currently I’m craving so many things that I'll get to do in the holidays;

• Playing Stardew Valley
• Weeding my real life garden and saying hello to my plants
• Sanding and staining the bus countertops
• Painting the bus plum, dyeing the curtains purple and mending them
• Another LOTR marathon with my uncle
• Seeing my boyfriend because it's been two weeks rn but by then it will have been 4

So much I want to do. Just three weeks to do it before I lose all sence of reality as I start my last term ever…

I've come up with a list of projects I want to make as well for upcoming events as well that I hope to at least start these holidays

• Make N gloves
• Make my boyfriend a bed pocket bag for his loft bed
• Make myself a poncho with freeform crochet maybe
• Make him a green elf/sprite hood for the medieval festival
• Make myself a fairy belt and hairpieces for same medieval festival
• Make a baby star blanket for my boyfriend’s sister whos expecting a bubby in Febuary
• Make him taller gloves than last time as well
• Start on my own crochet artproject on this stange mannequin doll that my mum got for me at the tip

If your reading this, thank you for wandering into my world for a while, I really hope you found something that resonates or found interesting.

So much love,
- Nettle

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