Nettles,

I think its important, and a bit life changing when you switch to analysing yourself in a curious rather than critical way. A quote I heard from a professional development workshop I went to recently was "Get curious, not furious." its applied to teaching in that context, but I think you can use it everywhere and on everyone, including yourself.

Im trying to let my writing and my own thoughts follow this idea, and not look at it as self-centred or egocentric but more curious and self exploratory.

There is this thing that my lectures and tutors at uni say, to be a teacher is to be an actor, its like a role that you play out, exaggerate, overemphasise, be your kindest, most loving, most exited and creative version of yourself while also being professional to students and teachers.

Being able to censor myself doesnt come very easily to me, especially my expressions and body language. I feel this need to bare my soul, to give myself to everyone so they know Im honest, they know who I am, they know I want to know them, I want them to lay themselves out on the table as well and show me all they are.

I remember saying to My Love when we were skirting around each other trying to tell each other how we felt but were to scared, that I was an open book. He hadnt heard that expression before, he was someone who was closed shut and tied with a ribbon by others trying to put him away on the shelf, to make him fit there idea of a perfectly bound book, turning his words into mixed messages and poetic, hidden confessions while my words were spilling off the pages.

We were trying to read each others stories and hearts but didnt know how.

We know how to now, weve learnt how to turn the pages slowly and read the hidden, faded in-between words.

I had a conversation recently with one of my oldest friends, she told me she thinks we work so well because my face always tells her everything Im thinking. She said that Ive always been like this and these expressions have shown her when Ive been jealous, when Ive loved her, when Im upset, its all there, plainly on my face. I cant hide what Im thinking or how I feel, even when I try to, to the point where I forget that others can do this, and that is why we work as friends, as she is a more internal, thoughtful person, we create a balance.

Becoming a teacher, involves the process of creating your teaching "persona". Where you hold things back, ask more questions then you answer, you dont say everything youre thinking straight away, you choose your words carefully instead of letting them spill. Creating this professional persona, for other teachers and students is so scary and daunting to me and Im hoping I can figure out how to exist authentically in roles that ask me to perform a certain way.

Ive always tried to stop myself from oversharing, stop talking, stop spilling everything of mine out over the edges of my lips. Of course I was never able to keep things to myself, and I still cant, but I dont think theres anything wrong with that anymore, I think my vulnerability and openness is special to me. But over the next couple of years or I guess lifetime, I need to find my own balance in this as a Teacher and a Professional, separated from my other life.

Neocities has helped me with this, even though Ive only been using it for around a year, its given me this place where I can be seen, but not know, heard but not critiqued or given suggestions. I dont have to think about what people around me might think, or whether they read it all the way through, or if they disagree and never tell me. Its almost given me a sense of independence, of having something to myself, that is all mine and only mine, and so this and the couple people who must read a bit of what I say, are in on my secret, they make it up with me. You help me feel like I have something of my own that is special.

Today, my mums friends four granddaughters who have been staying with her because of a lot of reasons came to our house. We set up five different painting stations, put mats and old blankets on the ground, I got all of my arts supplies out that I have acquired over many Christmases, my paints, crayons, textures, easels and tables. We brought out all of our old ornaments and knick knacks that live around our garden and needed life brought back to them and we all painted them. We cleaned our fairy gardens and put the fairy houses in the bath to get rid of the spiderwebs that their tiny tenants had left for us.

I love setting things up, I love making things look colourful and seeing how people look, especially kids, when they see that you put time and love into something to set it up or make just for them. They brought so much love and life back to the fairy garden and to us.

I think because I grew up being an only child, and my mum only having one child we both cherish playing, painting, creating, talking to children and we find it that bit more joyful and beautiful. Watching family dynamics, watching siblings especially has always been the most beautiful interesting thing for me to observe. The way they move around each other, their innate rhythms.

Watching the girls go into there own creative headspace, doing what they wanted without us directing or putting rules on them (except not pouring out the whole bottle of paint), seeing how they put silver polkadots on mice dresses and dragons spine scales, hearing the names they came up with, listening to there focused breathing or getting paint on there faces while tucking there hair behind there ears.

The girls were all different ages and while I started off my studies feeling much more drawn to pp-y2 I feel myself becoming more open to teaching all of primary or even not primary at all and working in an early childhood centre instead. Feeling that realisation has made me so much more exited to being open to so many more opportunities and scenarios.

Uni has been hard but my Pracs are coming up and are the exiting, nerve wracking, anticipatory first experience. The feeling of having a million opportunities in-front of you makes my finger tips tingle when I think about getting to reach, touch, experience each of them. Even just walking up the echoing staircase of uni makes me smile thinking about where the staircase will lead me.

Reach your finger tips out to the most exiting and anticipatory experiences,

Warmest wishes and wonders,

Nettle x